The Scientific Method

The Biomedical Journal of Electrical Treatments: January 1818, Vol. 17, Issue 1, p 182 – 196

The Reanimation of Dead Tissue by Reintegration and Electroshock Therapy

Frankenstein, V.

1 — Abstract

To attempt to reanimate a whole being, a patchwork creature (PC) was fashioned out of parts. PC was then imbued with life via a patented electroshock treatment (PET) regime. Thus proving electricity’s capacity for the reanimation of dead tissue. For PET to work, the target must be in the form of a PC. Isolated organs could not be reanimated, thereby proving the necessity for reintegration. The physiological elements of the experiment were a success. Unfortunately, the creature displayed alarming temper issues.

2 — Background

Death is a fact of life. All biological organisms — big or small, vertebrate or invertebrate — will die. This has, until now, been an unavoidable conclusion. A few species of jellyfish have the potential for immortality in and of themselves. Yet, they are not invulnerable. Predation from other species can result in their demise. It was thought that once an animal has “passed on”, its connection to this mortal world has been severed.

Purveyors of electrical medicine have proposed that this is not the case. Investigations and experiments have proved — beyond a doubt — that electricity can reignite life. Nerves crackle. Organs shudder and pulse. Brains throb. Veins and arteries contract and dilate. Hearts beat once more.

Unfortunately, efforts to reanimate recently deceased corpses have proved fruitless. Brief moments of life are soon lost to the empty void of the afterlife. The reasons for these failings is clear: those who died have ailments and afflictions. Thus, if a patient died from head trauma, electrotherapy will only bring him back to see him die again.

Thus, the failure lies not in the tool of electricity, but in the bodies of those whom we’d reanimate. This begged an obvious question. What if we could manufacture a patient using the best body parts from other patients? A mix and match scenario in which we only took non-damaged limbs and organs.

3 — Methods

3.1 — Electroshock Treatment

First, electroshock therapy was conducted on severed body parts from local (living) livestock. This was done to affirm for ourselves that the treatment had legitimacy. A patented electroshock treatment (PET) was developed. This is now the ideal method for the administration of electricity to organic tissue.

3.2 — Reintegration of Ideal Body Parts

Parts were retrieved from a multitude of different sources — graveyards, cemeteries, and hospitals. All original owners were dead at the time of extraction, following ethical laws and rules. Once collected, each body part was inspected and subjected to PET. Checks were conducted three times — to ensure the health of the tissue.

Once the health of the tissue had been confirmed, the ideal body parts were selected. Decisions were made based upon responsiveness to PET, size, and the current state of decay. The ideal parts were then sewn together to form a patchwork creature (PC). Care was taken to ensure all nerves and arteries and the like were lined up.

3.3 — PET of PC

Our PET was further enhanced for the reanimation of a whole PC. The main concern was that incomplete PET could shock a heart or a hand back into life, but not the whole being. Metal bolts were inserted into the PC’s neck. This ensured that the electrical field was distributed across the body of the PC.

4 — Results

4.1 — Electroshock Treatment

Electroshock treatment and our PET were proven to be effective. By the time PC was ready for the PET regime, we’d perfected the treatment. To the extent that 83% of isolated body parts were reanimated. As predicted, all organs and limbs re-died within ten minutes of reanimation.

4.2 — Reintegration of Ideal Body Parts

Due to the nature of the human parts we used, the efficacy of PET suffered from the results seen in section 4.1. A rather disappointing 42% of recovered human parts reanimated. Yet, this is to be expected. We managed to gather enough body parts to build one PC, with leftovers for a few organs — should they fail during PET.

4.3 — PET of PC

The PET of our PC was a resounding success. PET reanimated PC upon the first attempt. The creature was able to break free from the table’s restraints with minimal effort. Thus, we can assume that the reintegration of body parts suffered no errors.

One unexpected outcome of PC reanimation was the aggression of the creature. A faulty brain might bear the blame, here. But we cannot rule out the notion that PET might snap a precious synapse needed for temper control. Further analysis of PC’s brain might show us the answers we seek, but — as of writing — PC is still missing.

5 — Conclusions

This paper thus shows the capacity for electricity to imbue dead tissue with life. There is little doubt in the mind of the researchers that our PET and PC methodologies have cured death. Our findings also highlight the need for healthy body part reintegration. This needs to be done before the application of electroshock therapy.

More research is needed. A future study could look at a PC in which all vital organs are included, but limbs remain unattached. This would allow for a functioning PC without worrying about physical violence. Further to this point, the psychology of PC needs to be determined. We have concluded that — from a physical point of view — PC is faultless. Yet, his aggression is troubling. Further investigations will be conducted by the Frankenstein Laboratory.

6 — References

Busch, W. and Keller, H., 1803. Electricity: A shocking discovery. The Biomedical Journal of Electrical Treatments, 13(4), pp. 18-23.

Dracula, V., 1813. The necessity of internal organs for human life. Anatomical Medicine, 26(2), pp. 284-291.

Vieth, R., Krantz, O., and Friedrich, B., 1808. The curious case of the immortal jellyfish. Nature, 11(8), pp. 108-111.

7 — Acknowledgements

As always, I must extend my eternal gratitude to my faithful servant, Igor.


Friday, June 4, 2021

Written for the June 2021 #BlogBattle — “Abstract”

7 thoughts on “The Scientific Method

  1. aebranson

    Good use of this month’s word! Very clever format, and I was already thinking of Frankenstein’s monster before I even saw his name at the top. ‘…creature displayed alarming temper issues’ made me grin, and I also found the use of PET and PC amusing, as it reminded me of a kitten we kept in the house for a while, and said kitten developed a knack for turning off the computer (I know, I’m weird). But there was also some deep philosophy here. The narrow definition of life, viewing it as merely active organic tissue, leads to the claim he has ‘cured death.’ Methinks the doctor needs to contemplate why there are temper issues…. 🙂 Brilliant and brief retelling of true classic!

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s